If you're new to the Season of the Blooming Sage series, I recommend starting with Part 1: Midlife Disorientation and Part 2: Awakening to understand the Root and Wick Coaching foundational concepts of midlife transformation.

Irritability, intense anger, and even rage, are far more common in perimenopause and early menopause than most women realize. Research shows that up to 70% of women experience increased irritability and emotional intensity during perimenopause, yet most feel isolated in their experience. What if I told you that midlife rage doesn't represent a crisis, but rather a collective initiation designed by nature? What if your midlife fire isn't a sign of a mental breakdown but a rite of passage breaking you open, ripening you for transformation?

The Sacred Fire Within: Understanding Midlife Rage

It was an ordinary Tuesday around noon when I finally acted on weeks of quiet planning. With the kids at school and my husband at work, I gathered my floral wine glasses and crystal decanter, then pushed the heavy wooden cabinet aside. I chose my target—a spot on the dining room wall that would soon be hidden again.

One by one, I hurled the glasses against the wall. Each crash released something I'd buried for weeks—rage that had nowhere else to go. The decanter came last, hitting with a deep thud before joining the glittering shards at my feet.

In the silence that followed, I felt something shift. Decades of unspoken words and buried power seemed to gather around me like invisible guests at a feast. I hadn't said a word, yet everything had been expressed. My soul spoke to me and I was able to hear her truth.

That was decades ago, when I thought I might be losing my mind. I now realize that shattering wasn't a breakdown. It was a breakthrough. But it was only the beginning of a journey that would take years to unfold—a journey from suppression and self-rejection to sacred fire initiation.

I've talked to countless women over 40 who admit to deep feelings of rage, but their confessions come with uncomfortable laughter and fear of judgment. What I want them, and you, to know is that you're not broken. You're not losing it. Rage is one of the most potent forces for transformation available to women experiencing menopausal emotional changes—it's the fire that burns away what no longer serves so new life can emerge.

Unfortunately, in my forties I didn’t know that rage could be a midlife messenger. Neither did my mental health practitioners. Together, we spent years trying to anesthetize and neutralize it with mood regulators and anti-depressant/anxiety meds. For awhile, alcohol became my best friend, and alternately dampened and ignited my inner fire. My hope was to return to being the "good woman" everyone expected me to be.

Here's what I now know: suppression is a temporary solution —the righteous anger most women hide deep inside, and the intense fire of perimenopausal rage, always find a way to expression.

The Science Behind Menopause Emotional Changes

Here's what's really happening in your body and brain during the midlife transformation: As estrogen levels fluctuate and decline during perimenopause, our natural emotional buffer system changes dramatically. Estrogen helps regulate serotonin—our "feel good" neurotransmitter—and when it drops, so does our capacity for patience and emotional resilience (Soares, 2013). This is just one of the myriad of destructive hormonal effects women undergo in midlife. Many women benefit from seeking hormonal support from integrative medicine and alternative health practitioners, as well as gynecologists and other women’s health specialists. The best defense against major hormone shifts in midlife is to be informed and educated. My gynecologist recommends a book by Mary C. Haver, MD, titled The New Menopause: Navigating Your Path Through Hormonal Change With Purpose, Power and Facts. Just because menopause is a naturally occurring phenomenon doesn’t mean we have to suffer through it in silence.

Chronic stress and unprocessed emotions literally live in our bodies. Stressors are rampant in our society, and include institutional racism and sexism, gender and identity discrimination, cruel and haphazard treatment of people of color, economic and political policies that favor the wealthy and discriminate against the poor, climate change, and the high cost of child care. When we suppress anger year after year in an honest effort to survive against the odds, our nervous system stays in constant activation. This contributes to inflammation, autoimmune conditions, digestive issues, chronic diseases, and complex trauma. (Danese & Lewis, 2017). Many women discover that their health problems improve somewhat once they start honoring and releasing their accumulated rage in healthy ways.

The fascinating truth? Your rage isn't just emotional—it's intelligent. It knows exactly what needs to change in your life, what boundaries need strengthening, what injustices you have undergone, and what dreams have been deferred too long.

woman enraged pulling hair seated — Timmy Jarrell for Unsplash

For years after my glass-breaking incident, I continued trying to manage and suppress my rage. I had no roadmaps that discussed rage, honestly and openly, as a part of menopause. The books I found, many of them written by women who raged, often pathologized female rage. They purported to solve the “rage problem” of women by explaining it as part of diagnoses like borderline personality disorder, major depression and anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I came to suspect I was "crazy." I had explosive outbursts, made reckless decisions, all while hating myself for being so "out of control." What these resources didn't explain is that these psychological conditions often co-exist, and may in fact arise, with lengthy and sustained suppression of healthy rage due to trauma.

Here's the science they missed: When children experience trauma or consistently have their emotions dismissed, their developing brains learn to suppress anger, as well as many other so-called “negative” emotions, as a survival strategy. Research by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, shows that many women diagnosed with mood disorders are actually experiencing effects of long-term emotional suppression rather than inherent mental illness (van der Kolk, 2014). I am one of those women. Perhaps you are too? Science also tells us that many adult women who have not served in the military suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you are struggling (as I was in my forties and fifties) to manage midlife moods, including anger, rage and deep sadness, you may be suffering due to unresolved trauma. I encourage you, once you’ve read this post, to take the ACEs Quiz here: https://americanspcc.org/take-the-aces-quiz/. If you have a mid to high ACE score, please read the “Important FAQ’s” at the end and seek support. If you are not sure how to proceed with next steps, feel free to reach out to me for guidance.

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unhappy dark-skinned woman red-black hair black and white checked jacket — Manuel Gonzalez for Unsplash

Understanding Rage Triggers in Midlife

Midlife rage rarely emerges out of thin air. It's often triggered by patterns that may have existed since childhood, but, in permineopause, suddenly feel unbearable. Here is a short list of events and experiences that can be triggering. It is important to note that for many women over 40, midlife rage shows up as chronic irritability, physical pain, self-harm, and unremitting depression. It is not always outwardly explosive nor does it result in reckless behavior. As you read this list, pause to consider particular instances in your life when you felt deep discomfort, injustice, physical pain, or emotional wounding.

Disrespect and dismissal - Being interrupted or having your expertise questioned hits differently when your patience for such treatment has evaporated. Women of color often carry extra fury at being labeled "difficult" for advocating for themselves in ways celebrated in white colleagues.

Inequality in relationships - The mental load and emotional labor you once tolerated in a long term partnership or marriage now feels suffocating and enraging. It is no surprise that many women initiate divorce proceedings during their perimenopausal years.

Lost dreams and compromises - Realizing how many needs you've sacrificed can ignite surprising fury. LGBTQ+ women often mourn years of living inauthentically due to family and societal pressures.

Feeling invisible - After decades of making yourself perfect and pleasant, your soul rebels against continued erasure. Single women carry particular fury about society assuming their anger stems from romantic disappointment, or not having children, rather than legitimate systemic frustration.

The beautiful thing about understanding our triggers? They become clues to how we have been most deeply wounded. They also are sign posts to our deepest values and needs, and plot the path forward into our uncharted yet remarkable chapters yet.

QUICK REALITY CHECK

How long does menopause anger last? Perimenopause can span 2-10 years, with anger intensity fluctuating. Don’t wait and hope that your deep emotions will go away! Chances are, they won’t. Assume that your body and soul are trying to tell you something and seek education as well as release. With proper support and techniques, you can learn to work with this energy constructively.

When should I seek help for midlife anger? Please read the “Important FAQ’s” section at the end of this post.

Rage as Creative Force: The Catalyst for Growth

Here's what many women don't realize: rage is one of the most powerful creative energies available to us. When properly channeled, it becomes fuel for boundary setting, truth telling, career pivots, social change, and relationship transformation.

My real transformation began when I finally surrendered. I stopped fighting my rage and started listening to it. I found a wise therapist who helped me understand that my anger wasn't a character flaw—it was information. Together, we embarked on extensive soul level wound healing and grief release work.

A huge breakthrough came when I learned about “disenfranchised” grief—losses that society doesn't recognize, like death of dreams due to poverty, disowning your anger to be safe, hiding your authentic self for fear of discrimination, or not being allowed to fully grieve the loss of a pet, friend, or parent (Doka, 2002). I learned to dance with grief by allowing myself controlled, time-limited grieving sessions to feel and release these accumulated sorrows.

woman with butterfly superimposed on head — Getty Images for Unsplash

This healing journey has taken years. I don’t think the journey ever ends. But each step forward reveals more of who I was meant to be—not in spite of my rage, but because I finally learned to listen to and honor it. The same can be true for you, my friend. When you honor your deep emotions, you give your soul permission to speak the truth in a way only you know. The world needs your truth.

Healthy Ways to Release Midlife Anger

Think of midlife rage like a pressure cooker—when steam builds up, it needs a safe release valve. We must first reduce intensity through healthy physical expression before we can harness this energy creatively.

woman with headphones in blue suit holding coffee while dancing — Getty Images for Unsplash

When rage lives in your body, it demands movement. I discovered kickboxing and found myself imagining faces of those who had harmed me. Each punch became a declaration: "I matter. My voice matters." “The wounds you’ve inflicted on me and my family are unacceptable!” The physical release was immediate and necessary. It released the pressure inside and reminded me what being calm felt like. It is critical for healing of your nervous system to reinforce what calm feels like.

Physical release ideas:

Rage rooms - Pay for safety gear and destroy objects without cleanup
Dancing alone - Put on music and let your body move however it wants
Kickboxing or vigorous exercise - Channel energy into powerful movement
Pillow punching - Claim some “me time” in the bedroom and let ‘er rip. No harm done.
Watch movies and read books for rage catharsis (see list below)

Timing Your Release: Aim for 15-20 minutes, 2-3 times per week. The key is being proactive rather than reactive—don't wait until you're overwhelmed and enraged. Regular release prevents explosive buildup.

The goal isn't to eliminate your rage but to transform it into fuel for positive change. When you honor this fire instead of suppressing it, magic happens. You start speaking truth that's been buried for decades. You begin setting boundaries that protect your energy. You stop apologizing for taking up space.

When one woman learns to honor her rage without apology, she gives every woman in her orbit permission to do the same. Your healing becomes a gift to daughters, friends, and strangers who witness your transformation.

A word of caution: If physical activity increases your anger, try a different form of release, consider an activity with one or more friends, and consider seeking therapeutic support. Healthy rage release should leave you feeling lighter and more calm. See “Important FAQ’s” at end.

Self-Care Tips for Befriending Rage

woman with hand reaching up flames emanating from hand — Fellipe Ditadi for Unsplash

Listen to Your Body: Notice where midlife rage lives physically. Your body holds wisdom about what needs attention.
Find Your Release: Discover what helps you move this energy safely—rage rooms, dancing, kickboxing, running.
Journal the Truth: Write uncensored thoughts and feelings. Let your inner voice speak without judgment.
Channel Into Creativity: When fire rises, ask: "What wants to be created from this energy?" Maybe it's a difficult conversation, art, or bold life change.
Seek Your Tribe: Connect with other women navigating this journey. Share stories and witness each other's transformation. Start a Rage Release and Transformation book or movie club.
Forgive Yourself: Practice self-compassion for your raging self. Your emotions are valid and intelligent.

The Blooming Sage Emerges

I’ve shared my personal story of midlife rage to offer you three essential truths: First, as validation that if you're walking a similar path, you're not broken—you're beautifully, courageously human. Second, as living proof that transformation is possible when you embrace this sacred fire. And third, as hope that you can navigate this passage with greater clarity and self-compassion than I did, avoiding the years of unnecessary pain I endured.

Your rage is not your enemy—it's your teacher, your protector, your invitation to step fully into your power. The journey moves in, through, and beyond rage to an unapologetically fierce stance in the world. This midlife transformation through fire doesn't reduce you to ashes—it transforms you into the blooming sage our world desperately needs.

Books/Movies for Rage Release by Catharsis

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner - Classic guide to understanding and using anger constructively

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert - Permission to create fearlessly after years of suppression

Fried Green Tomatoes (book/movie) - Friendship, strength, and standing up to abuse across generations

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (movie) - mother of missing daughter refuses to give up on the search

IMPORTANT FAQ’S

When might professional support be necessary?

Consider seeking professional mental health and/or hormonal support if

1. Rage feels overwhelming and not relieved by physical activity

2. Rage is significantly affecting primary relationships.

3. If you feel consumed by anger disproportionate to circumstances

4. If you are ready to go deeper in understanding the roots of rage

Ready to transform your rage into your greatest catalyst for change?

As an Integrative Mental Health Coach specializing in midlife transformation for women over 40, I've witnessed the profound power that emerges when women learn to honor their rage as creative force rather than shameful burden. Through our work together, you'll discover how to transform that burning energy into clarity, boundaries, and confidence to speak your truth.

Your transformation is not just possible—it's inevitable when you have the right support. Let's kindle that sacred fire together.

Unapologetically Fierce, Chrissy

Medical Disclaimer. This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. If you're experiencing persistent anger, mood changes, or emotional distress that interferes with your daily life, please consult with a healthcare professional or mental health provider for personalized guidance and support.

Notes

This post was created with assistance from Anthropic. (2025). Claude.ai (4.0 Sonnet) [hybrid reasoning model]. https://claude.ai The final content reflects the author's views, research, and editorial decisions

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.