overweight woman meditating with candles

If you're new to the Season of the Blooming Sage series, I recommend starting with Part 1: Midlife Disorientation and Part 2: Awakening to understand the Root and Wick Coaching foundational concepts of midlife transformation.

"I'm old, ugly, and asthmatic." These were the words Nancy, a dynamic teacher in her late forties, used to describe herself after completing a 24-mile bike ride in 90 degree weather. I was stunned. Here was a strong, accomplished woman who had just achieved something remarkable, yet she chose self-attack over self-celebration.

Nancy's story illustrates something deeply troubling yet all too common among women: how decades of cultural conditioning have trained women to see themselves through a lens of harsh self-criticism. Nancy’s self-deprecation and self-attack is one example of how this programming manifests, largely unconsciously, in girls and women. After Nancy put herself down, I replied with gentle humor, “Well, I agree with 1 out of 3 of those descriptions.” Sadly, I don’t think Nancy heard me. But here's the hope: if this harsh inner voice is a learned pattern of self-abuse, it can be unlearned.

This rewriting becomes possible through advanced inner healing work. If you've tried affirmations, gratitude practices, and gentle self-love techniques only to find your inner critic still running the show, you're ready for something different. This advanced work involves healing the mind-body split by changing your thoughts.

Neuroscience tells us that our brains remain remarkably changeable throughout our entire lives. Every moment offers a fresh opportunity to choose thoughts that honor rather than attack the body. As a recovering body betrayer, practicing body befriender, and Integrative Mental Health Coach, I believe this work is worth the effort! Why do it? So you, too, can heal the mind-body split, stop betraying your body, and become the author of your own remarkable story.

Hijacked: How Your Mind Was Programmed

The harsh voice still haunting the heads of many women over 40 didn't originate with you—it's borrowed conditioning from family, culture, and religion that has been mistaken for truth. From childhood on, you absorbed thousands of messages about what female bodies should look like, how they should perform, and what makes them valuable. Your brilliant brain, designed to keep you safe and connected, learned to speak this language of social acceptance and criticism as a survival strategy.

My dental hygienist, Kathy, illustrates this conditioning reflex. At my last appointment, she told me she rises at 4:30 AM in preparation for a long work commute. Sometimes, Kathy explained, she manages to fit in yoga before work and attend to her family's needs. Yet despite this extraordinary dedication, she concluded, “Look at me. I do my best to eat right, and do yoga, but I'm still fat." Then Kathy giggled as if to make light of the issue.

As I listened to Kathy, I saw a woman whose mind had been trained to overlook her own incredible strength. Her brain had learned to filter her strength and fortitude through a lens of inadequacy. Kathy is just one of several women with whom I have talked recently who unwittingly betrayed her body with harmful words.

Consider this: Americans spent $119 billion on beauty products in 2024, trying to fix their “ugly” features. This isn't accidental—it's a sophisticated system that profits from women believing they're not enough as they are. By midlife, these messages have created what neuroscientists call "well-worn neural pathways"—automatic thought patterns that fire before the conscious mind can intervene.

But here's where science meets hope: neural pathways can be rewired over time.

Your Brain's Capacity for Evolution

The most hopeful discovery in modern neuroscience is this: your mind remains endlessly creative and changeable.What researchers call neuroplasticity means that each time you consciously choose a new thought, you're literally sculpting new pathways in your brain. Think of it like laying down tracks for a new train route. With gentle persistence over time, these new pathways become your mind's preferred routes.

This is why midlife offers such profound opportunity for changing your thought patterns. You've lived long enough to recognize that surface solutions don't create lasting change, which means you're ready for the deeper work. Your accumulated wisdom about what truly matters creates the perfect foundation for rewriting the stories that no longer serve you. This post is an invitation to begin rewriting stories like these:

“I hate my nose. If I had the money, I’d get a nose job.”

“This mushroom top is disgusting.”

“What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop eating chocolate?”

“I am a total loser. No one would ever find me attractive.”

“Look at my wrinkles! No wonder my husband left me.”

Think about it: you've already demonstrated your brain's remarkable adaptability by learning language, navigating relationships, mastering skills, and surviving countless challenges. The same neuroplasticity that allowed you to build a life worth living is available right now to help you build a loving relationship with your body.

The Sacred Shift: From Betrayal to Befriending

The shift from negative thinking about your body to befriending it begins with a simple yet profound reframe—moving from seeing your body as an object to be used and judged to recognizing it as the physical home of your self and soul. This isn't just philosophical; it's supported by research showing that awe and wonder literally change our brain chemistry, activating pathways associated with wellbeing and connection.

Consider the extraordinary symphony happening in your body right now: each day, without your conscious effort, your heart beats approximately 100,000 times and your lungs orchestrate over 20,000 breaths. And did you know that you and I are literally made of stardust?! 40% of every human is forged of dying stars that traveled billions of years to become unique constellations of matter and spirit. We are wonders of creation, my friend!

When we practice viewing the human body with wonder rather than criticism, neural networks associated with gratitude, awe, and self-compassion are activated. This isn't just feel-good-science—it's rewiring your brain's culturally conditioned betrayal response to a new response - friendship with the physical body.

This is the sacred shift: the human body (your body) is not an object, nor is it a commodity. The body is a sacred vessel that houses essential life, consciousness, and soul.

Throughout my life, I viewed my body through what I now understand as borrowed eyes—constantly wondering whether I was desirable, attractive, or acceptable to others rather than honoring my own experience of living in this body. I was conditioned to view myself through the eyes of surgeons, parents, peers, partners and culture. As a child I was nicknamed “skinny mini” and I’ve never weighed more than 135 pounds. The point is that body shame grows from multiple sources, not just the bathroom scale. The truth is I have rarely felt at peace with myself or at home in my body. I grew up believing my body belonged to everyone but me.

SACRED PAUSE: “I grew up believing my body belonged to everyone but me.” In what ways does this resonate within you?

I've never felt wholly accepting of my physical self. How I long to celebrate my body. I’m sharing this with you, not out of self-pity, but to let you know that I am writing this post as much for myself as for you.

Here's what I've learned through both research and personal experience: self-acceptance isn't a destination you reach—it's a practice you cultivate. Each moment offers a choice between the old programming and a new way of seeing. While I still hear my inner critical voice, and still betray my body with unkind thoughts, I now understand it as outdated software that can be updated.

The Vision: Your "Green and Juicy" Potential

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Years ago I stumbled across the work of Jungian analyst Jean Shinoda Bolen. In her wonderful book titled Goddesses In Older Women, Bolen offers us a vision of embodied, full-throated, unapologetic womanhood. She describes the woman in menopause as a "green and juicy crone"—someone who has transformed life's challenges into wisdom, truth, and authentic power. (Bolen xiii-xiv)

"Green" and “juicy” refers to the life force flowing freely and naturally through the body, like sap through a maple tree primed for maple syrup. Bolen’s words invite us to contemplate the richness that comes from living according to our own truth rather than borrowed expectations. Research in positive psychology shows us that this kind of authentic living activates what scientists call "eudaimonic wellbeing"—the deep satisfaction that comes from expressing your genuine self.

This original and authentic woman moves through the world with quiet confidence. She chooses clothes that feel good on her body rather than hiding perceived flaws. She nourishes herself with intention and joy rather than restriction and punishment. Most importantly, she has learned to be her own loving friend rather than her harshest critic.

A Fully Embodied Woman: O'Keeffe's Authenticity

20th century American modernist painter and feminist, Georgia O'Keeffe, illustrates Bolen’s green and juicy crone. O’Keeffe lived with fierce authenticity until her death at 98, continuing to paint despite failing eyesight because she believed that what she had to offer the world was valuable and necessary.

Throughout her life, O'Keeffe expressed her authentic truth. Her art celebrated the sensual beauty of natural forms without apology. She designed her own clothing—practical black dresses, crisp white shirts, and boots that honored her body's need for comfort and movement. Her homes reflected her aesthetic vision rather than social expectations.

O'Keeffe shows us what becomes possible when you cultivate mind and body friendship: you become unshakeable in your own truth, resistant to others' opinions, and deeply connected to your own creative power.

From Betrayal To Befriending: Steps to Healing

Step 1: Understand the Critic: Protector Gone Rogue

Your inner critic originally developed as a protective mechanism—your brain's attempt to keep you safe and connected by helping you fit in. But in our appearance-obsessed culture, this protective voice has been programmed with impossible standards that create suffering rather than safety.

The critic has predictable patterns:

it speaks in absolutes
uses comparison as its primary tool
disguises cruelty as motivation
never celebrates your victories

Most importantly, this voice feels so familiar that you've mistaken it for your own wisdom. But it's not—it's borrowed programming that can be judiciously updated.

Step 2: Understand the 3 Levels of Evolution from Betrayal to Befriending

Research in cognitive science shows that changing old brain patterns of betrayal and replacing them with new patterns of befriending happens through three distinct phases:

Level 1: Awareness - Recognizing the critical voice as separate from your true self

Level 2: Interruption - Consciously stopping the old patterns when they arise

Level 3: Replacement - Intentionally choosing thoughts based on truth and compassion

The Levels Explained: Rewriting Your Inner Story

The pathway to transformation begins with paying attention to when the inner critic is speaking. A simple way to build awareness is to schedule an awareness session with yourself. For example, plan to pay attention every time you drive in your car. While driving, tune in, like you would to a radio station, to the thoughts floating through your mind. Identify the critical thoughts based on the predictable patterns noted above. Next, interrupt the critic by creating a loving but firm boundary. When you notice that familiar voice pointing out flaws, making comparisons, predicting catastrophes, choose to replace the negative messages with a self-loving one: "Thank you for trying to protect me, but I'm choosing a different conversation now."

This isn't about positive thinking or forced affirmations—it's about conscious choice. Each time you interrupt the old pattern and choose a thought based on truth rather than conditioning, you're literally building new neural pathways. With gentle consistency, these new pathways become your mind's preferred routes.

Befriending Your Body Practice: A Five-Day Awareness Journey

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Your journey from betrayal to befriending begins with loving curiosity about your own mind. For five days, notice and write down (in a journal or on your phone) exactly what your inner critic says about your body. Don't judge these thoughts or try to change them—simply observe with the compassion you'd show a dear friend.

This practice builds what psychologists call "metacognition" — the ability to observe your own thinking. Once you can see these thoughts as mental events rather than absolute truths, you gain the power to choose which ones deserve your attention. As a footnote, you will also notice that these unkind and cruel comments come and go like clouds in the sky. They are, in fact, as vaporous and fickle as clouds too. Don’t allow them to sit down for tea in your mind.

Recognizing your inner critic’s messages sets you on the path to freedom. The next step is to lay down new neural networks - the train tracks - using positive, awe-inspiring, and potent truth about your body.

Building A New Relationship: Body as Sacred Ally

The most compelling reframe available to you is this: your body has never been your enemy. Research in embodied cognition shows that when we relate to our bodies as allies rather than adversaries, we experience measurable improvements in both mental and physical wellbeing. (Embodied cognition is the theory that our bodies affect our thoughts and visa versa.)

Your body has carried you through every experience of your life—heartbreak and triumph, exhaustion and celebration. Those stretch marks tell the story of your body's incredible capacity to expand and create. The lines on your face are evidence of a life fully lived, emotions fully felt.

Consider your scars as badges of resilience rather than flaws to hide. I carry marks from an appendectomy, multiple surgical procedures, and countless small injuries—each one representing my body's remarkable ability to heal and my spirit's determination to keep going. Scars aren't imperfections; they're proof of the extraordinary partnership between your physical self and your indomitable spirit.

Consider these inspiring words of poet Mary Oliver:

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves." (Oliver 1986)

Your body doesn't need to earn love through punishing rituals, harsh self-criticism, or costly cosmetic procedures—it deserves love simply for being the vessel of your magnificent existence.

The Journey Forward: Where Science Meets Soul

What fills me with tremendous hope is this: every moment offers a fresh opportunity to choose thoughts that honor rather than attack the body. Research shows that even small, consistent changes in how we speak to ourselves create measurable changes in brain structure and function.

When you catch yourself choosing kindness over criticism, or nourishment over punishment, or movement from joy rather than obligation—you're not just changing your day, you're literally reshaping your neural landscape. Each loving choice becomes easier than the last because you're training your brain to default to compassion.

I think often of Nancy, that remarkable woman who cycled 24 miles and called herself old, ugly, and asthmatic. My deepest hope is that she—and you—will discover the mind-body friendship that is available when neuroscience is combined with soulful practice. The world needs more women who have learned to be gentle with themselves, who model what it looks like to live from self-love rather than self-criticism.

This is both the hardest and most hopeful work available to us in midlife: learning to love ourselves exactly as we are while remaining open to who we're becoming. In my next post, I'll share specific practices, beyond what we’ve discussed today, that make befriending the body possible and sustainable in daily life.

In hope, Chrissy

P.S. If, after practicing the strategies discussed in this post, you need extra support, I offer integrative mental health coaching that weaves together the science of change with the art of self-compassion. Together, we can create the neural pathways that lead to lasting transformation.

Medical Disclaimer. This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. If you're experiencing persistent anger, mood changes, or emotional distress that interferes with your daily life, or are struggling with eating disorders, cutting, substance use disorder, or suicidal ideation, please consult with a healthcare professional or mental health provider for personalized guidance and support.

Notes

This post was created with assistance from Anthropic. (2025). Claude.ai (4.0 Sonnet) [hybrid reasoning model]. https://claude.ai The final content reflects the author's views, research, and editorial decisions

Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Goddesses in Older Women: Archetypes in Women Over Fifty. 2001.

Oliver, Mary. "Wild Geese." Dream Work, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1986.